Who Gets the Kids for the Holidays? 5 Key Considerations
For most families, the holidays are an exciting time full of family, food, and well-loved traditions. But for divorced or separated parents, those same seasonal festivities can be overshadowed by scheduling conflicts and making sure that children feel loved even when their parents live in separate households.
Deciding who gets the kids, when they’ll be with each parent, and how holiday traditions will be maintained can quickly become an emotional minefield. Without clear planning, what should be a magical time can turn into a tug-of-war. The good news is that with some foresight and cooperation, co-parents can create a holiday plan that prioritizes their children’s happiness while keeping disputes to a minimum.
At Melone Hatley, P.C., we help parents navigate the legal framework of custody and visitation and find solutions that prioritize parents’ rights as well as the well-being of their children. Whether you’re working within an existing custody order or looking for changes to better suit your family’s needs, we can guide you through the process with a clear strategy for protecting your time with your children during the holidays. Below are five considerations that can help you navigate this sensitive time as co-parents.
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1. Start With Your Parenting Agreement or Custody Order
The first place to start conversations around holiday custody is your parenting agreement or the custody order already in place. These legal documents often outline how holidays should be handled.
If your agreement already contains a holiday schedule, review it early in the season – now is a good time – so there aren’t any surprises. If it’s vague or silent on the matter of holidays, this is a good opportunity to address gaps. Even if a formal modification isn’t possible right away, you and your co-parent may be able to reach a temporary agreement through written consent or mediation. Having these arrangements in writing, even if they are informal, can prevent misunderstandings and give both of you structure and peace of mind.
2. Always Consider Your Child’s Best Interests
While every parent wants to spend the holidays with their children, the ultimate goal should always be what arrangement best serves their needs. Courts always take this approach when resolving custody disputes, and parents should do the same.
“Best interests” go beyond simply dividing time between parents. They also include preserving traditions, maintaining stability in your child’s schedule, and ensuring they aren’t shuffled back and forth so frequently that the holiday feels rushed or stressful.
For instance, if your child has always woken up in one household for Christmas morning, you might decide to maintain this tradition for your child’s continuity, even if it means adjusting your own plans. Or if sharing the holiday means traveling long distance between households instead of enjoying family activities, it might make sense to agree to alternate years instead.
Putting your child’s well-being first usually requires compromise, but it’s one that pays dividends in your child’s sense of security and happiness.
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3. Be Flexible with Your Traditions
One of the most difficult realities for divorced parents is that the holidays won’t look the same as they did in the past.
Being flexible requires opening the door to new ideas and traditions. Maybe Christmas morning becomes a Christmas Eve Eve celebration. Thanksgiving may turn into brunch the next day. Creating unique and fun experiences that the kids can enjoy – even if they look nothing like holidays past – shifts the focus from when the celebration happens to how it feels and the happiness it brings. Children are remarkably adaptable, especially when they know both parents are making an effort to create a happy experience for them. When you approach the holidays with a spirit of creativity and fun, you show them that love and togetherness aren’t tied to dates on the calendar.
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4. Plan Well Ahead
Few things can derail holiday planning and cause conflict than last-minute changes. The season is hectic enough, and trying to coordinate last minute plans is usually a recipe for stress and disagreement. The solution is simple: begin the conversations early.
Ideally, start talking about holiday plans at least two or three months in advance. This allows time to confirm plans, make adjustments, coordinate arrangements and travel, and make sure family gatherings are considered and accounted for. Once you’ve agreed on a plan, put it in writing, whether it’s through a co-parenting app, email, text, or a more formal written document. Having a clear record of what you’ve agreed to not only prevents misunderstandings but can de-escalate conflicts if one parent doesn’t remember the agreement later on.
5. Always Have a Backup Plan
Even the most carefully prepared plan can be disrupted by illness, weather, or work obligations. These can upend holiday arrangements in an instant and are why having a backup plan can be critical.
Good backup plans often include make-up days for missed parenting time or other time swaps. Agreeing on contingency plans in the beginning helps avoid having to renegotiate when tensions are already running high and time is limited. Even more importantly, having a plan B in place shows your child that even when life throws a curveball, you and your co-parent can work together to make things work for their benefit.
What Happens if You and Your Co-Parent Can’t Agree About the Holidays?
Unfortunately, even with a court order or written agreement in place, disagreements can arise, especially given the emotions centered around the holidays.
If you and your co-parent can’t reach a compromise, it’s important to remember that last-minute battles rarely serve your children well.
In these cases, you have a couple options. Mediation can provide a neutral space to work through conflicts like these so you can find a mutually acceptable solution without going back to court. But if mediation fails or just isn’t possible, you may need to seek a court ruling to clarify or enforce a holiday schedule. In these cases, judges always prioritize the child’s best interests, meaning they will maintain an existing order or make adjustments that reduce disruption for your child, which may or may not look like what you want. Acting proactively before the holidays are in full swing helps you avoid disappointment and ensure you have a holiday plan in place when the time comes.
Enjoying the Holidays as Co-Parents
The holidays shouldn’t become a battleground. Holiday custody arrangements work best when they balance fairness for both parents with joy and stability for the children. With a solid written agreement, open communication, some flexibility and cooperation, and an approach focused on your child, you can create a holiday schedule that works for everyone – especially the one who matters most.
If you’re unsure how to approach holiday custody or need to update a parenting plan, the experienced family law attorneys at Melone Hatley, P.C. can help protect your rights while keeping your children’s happiness front and center. Call us at 800-479-8124 or schedule a free consultation with one of our Client Services Coordinators through our website contact page.
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