Planning Your Exit: How to Stay Safe When Leaving an Abusive Relationship
By: Michael Gemstone, Esq.
This is a guest post by one of our firm’s attorneys, and is also available on LinkedIn as a stand-alone article.
Domestic violence isn’t always visible. It often manifests itself well before there are any physical indications abuse is happening and, quite often, leaving no traces at all. Emotional control, gaslighting, isolation, financial dependency, intimidation: the list goes on. For those living in fear, the idea of leaving can feel even more overwhelming than living with the “known” hardships of abuse. However, there is hope. A safe and meaningful departure from an abusive relationship is possible with the right knowledge and sturdy support.
If you or a loved one is living with abuse, do not face it alone. Confidential support, guidance, and help with safety planning are only a phone call away. Taking the first step is often the hardest, but it can also be the beginning of reclaiming your safety and, more importantly, your future.
Schedule your free meeting with our team today to see if our Lawyers can help you.
Making the Decision to Leave
Deciding to walk away from an abusive relationship is highly emotional and often tangled with feelings of guilt, shame, memories, and even a sincere hope for change within the relationship. But before making plans to leave, you will assuredly have to face some difficult truths and perceived fears that have been holding you back.
You’ve wanted to “help” your partner.
It’s natural to want to think very highly of your partner, see their potential, and want the relationship to heal. After all, you “understand” them better than anyone else. You may even comprehend the reasons they act the way they do. But remaining in a situation where you are abused, regardless of your wish for change and healing, not only allows the bad behavior to persist; it may also be enabling it. Your partner knows that no matter how badly they treat you, you will stay because you feel responsible for them, you’re stuck in the situation, or they are arrogant enough to believe you will never, ever leave.
Your partner keeps swearing they will change.
It’s very common for abusive partners to feel remorse as a result of their bad behavior. As a result, they will plead for another chance, promising it will never happen again. These assurances sound sincere – until the next time. Often, these promises simply restore the abuser’s control, particularly if they believe you are planning on leaving. Unfortunately, once the immediate threat of action by the victim passes, most abusers return to the same dangerous patterns as before.
Your partner has agreed to go to therapy or a treatment program.
In the aftermath of an abusive event, it’s not uncommon for an abuser to agree to some form of outside intervention, whether that is through mental health counseling, a treatment program, or an anger management class. While these can sometimes help, chronic abusers often complete these programs by simply going through the motions and without making any lasting changes. Even when they do show signs of improvement, these are often temporary. In the meantime, you have stayed in the relationship based on hope for a brighter future with a changed partner. Unfortunately, such change often fails to materialize.
Despite knowing better, your fear keeps holding you back.
Uncertainty about the future is a common (and understandable) roadblock to leaving an abusive relationship. Right now, you “know your monster“ and may even feel like you have some control over the situation. But what happens if you leave? You worry about retaliation, your financial soundness, and the future safety and stability of you and your children. These are valid fears. However, staying in an abusive relationship only keeps you in an ongoing, harmful situation, often leading to even greater danger as time goes on.
Click to contact our family lawyers today
Prioritizing Your Safety Above All Else
Once you’ve decided to leave, personal safety should become your top priority. Statistically, the period when a victim is preparing to go, or has just left, is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. This is when the abuser senses they are now losing control, and their toxic behaviors can escalate. Understanding this risk is not meant to frighten you, but it should keep you alert and aware so you can take every possible precaution before you make your move.
Before you leave, you should
- Contact the domestic violence hotline for more information about a personalized safety plan for your area. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), use the live chat at thehotline.org, or text “START” to 88788.
- Identify the safest time to leave, ideally when the abuser will be away.
- Keep your plan confidential and turn off location tracking on all your devices.
Schedule a call with one of our client services coordinators today
Creating Your Safety Plan
Leaving an abusive relationship requires a detailed Safety Plan. Your Safety Plan should include a detailed guide that thoroughly considers your children, relatives, pets, and basic necessities. This ensures everyone – both human and animal – can transition to safety with as little risk as possible.
Who are you taking?
If you have children, pets, elderly relatives, or others in your care, your plan will need to include them and their needs. This may also involve understanding legal implications, such as the laws regarding custody of minor children. Gathering documentation that proves you have the right to have the children or other relatives in your custody and care NOW can provide a sturdy defense if legal issues arise later.
Where will you go?
You will want to choose a destination in advance. It can be with family members, friends, a domestic violence shelter, or another secure location. Before you leave, ensure there is suitable space for everyone who is leaving with you. It may also be wise to provide your plans for departure and travel itinerary to a well trusted individual in case of emergency.
How will you get there?
Decide how you will physically get to safety. If you are driving, keep your gas tank full and your keys within easy reach. If you don’t have your own car, arrange a ride with someone you trust or explore public transportation options. Remember that a vehicle owned by your abuser could be tracked, compromising your safety.
Who is your support network?
Surround yourself with trusted individuals who will help you without alerting your abuser. This might mean arranging for someone to be on call to give you a ride or accompany you to appointments. Consider creating a code-word you can use with your trusted contacts that signals you are in danger and need immediate help. In a serious situation, calling 911 is always an option.
Consider your financial needs.
Don’t use joint credit cards, as the transactions that could be accessed by your abuser could be used to determine your whereabouts. If possible, put aside cash in a safe place or leave it with someone you trust. If your finances are all intertwined with your abuser’s, speak with a domestic violence advocate or a family law attorney before you make any major withdrawals. You may also consider applying for a credit card in your own name or arranging for a small loan to prepare for your transition.
Take important paperwork.
Make sure you take identification documents and other legal paperwork, medical records, financial statements, and anything else you may need to prove ownership, prove custody, or access services. This also includes registration information on your pets.
Stay vigilant after you leave.
Once you are gone, change your routines. Take a different route to work, school, or other familiar places to reduce the risk of being followed or confronted. Be sure not to be in any of the places you might normally frequent, such as a particular supermarket or restaurant.
Keep a list of emergency contacts with you.
Write down or print a list of essential phone numbers, including law enforcement (911), local shelters, and trusted friends and family, and keep it readily available and easy to grab.
Secure your digital safety.
Update all your passwords for email, social media, online banking, and shopping accounts. Remove your abuser’s access to any shared accounts, including ride services, online payment systems, and any streaming platforms.
A well-prepared Safety Plan is more than just a precaution. It could be your lifeline and you’ll be relieved that you have it when needed. Taking the time to prepare now can mean the difference between finding yourself in a dangerous situation versus a smooth and secure transition to safety.
Considering Law Enforcement as Part of Your Safety Plan
Deciding whether to involve law enforcement when leaving an abusive relationship is highly personal and should be considered depending on your individual circumstances. While police can provide immediate protection and legal recourse, utlizing law enforcement should also be carefully considered. However, if you find yourself in a serious situation, do not hesitate to call 911.
Law enforcement can be a valuable resource:
- If you and your children are at risk of harm – Calling 911 can bring immediate assistance, and officers can intervene to stop an assault, remove the abuser from the scene, and help you to safety.
- If you are enforcing a court order – If you already have a protective order or no-contact order, police can enforce it if the abuser has violated its terms.
- For civil standby – In some areas, you can request that officers be present while you collect your belongings to leave, reducing the chance of a dangerous confrontation.
- For purposes of documenting abuse – A police report can serve as critical evidence of abuse in future legal proceedings or protective order applications.
However, if the abusive partner is a police officer, court officer, or someone with close ties to the criminal justice system, the decision to report them can be more complicated. Law enforcement communities are often tightly connected ,and the abuser’s professional relationships could influence the outcome of the report.
If you choose to file a report or take legal action, domestic violence organizations can connect you with trained advocates who understand these challenges and can guide you depending on your unique situation.
Securing Legal Protection
Once you have reached safety, the next step in protecting yourself is to consider the legal tools and resources to which you have access. Legal action is not only about creating physical distance from your abuser and establishing boundaries, but also providing a legal record of the abuse. Proactively preparing for what’s to come on the legal front can potentially give you leverage in matters concerning custody of your children, real and personal property rights, and/or financial support.
Protective and restraining orders
A Protective Order – otherwise known as a Restraining Order or No-Contact Order – is a court order that prohibits your abuser from contacting, approaching, and/or harassing you. The terms of such Protective Orders can vary. Some orders restrict physical proximity to your home, workplace, or children’s school, while other orders also cover phone calls, texts, and social media messages. In many jurisdictions, you can request a Temporary Emergency Order that goes into effect immediately and remains in place until a hearing can be held for a longer-term order. Violating these orders is a criminal offence, and law enforcement can arrest the abuser if they violate the terms of the order(s) of the Court.
Temporary custody and visitation orders
If you have children, legal protection can also include seeking temporary Custody and Visitation Orders as part of your Protective Order request or as a separate filing. This can help prevent the abuser from using your children as leverage or removing them without permission. It can also serve as a means of protecting children from continued exposure to a dangerous individual or harmful situation. Courts can also place temporary limits on visitation or require supervised visits when there are safety concerns.
Emergency financial relief
Leaving an abuser often means leaving behind access to shared income or resources. Courts can order temporary financial support, payment of specific bills, or the exclusive use and possession of a shared home to help stabilize your situation while the longer-term legal process plays out.
The more documentation and evidence you can provide – such as police reports, photos of injuries or property damage, threatening messages, medical records, and witness statements – the stronger your case for requiring legally enforceable protection will be. If you are creating a Safety Plan, gather these documents and evidence in a secure location until you are ready to place them in your go-bag upon your departure.
Working with an Attorney or Domestic Violence Advocate
While it is possible to file the above-mentioned legal documents on your own, having the assistance of a family law attorney or domestic violence advocate can make the legal process less confusing, more manageable, and far less intimidating. An attorney or advocate can help you understand your rights, prepare your paperwork, and represent you in court. They can also help you navigate any parallel criminal proceedings and ensure your protective orders are proper.
Understanding the limits and strengths of legal measures
A Protective Order is an important tool, but it’s not a physical barrier. Court orders work best as part of a larger safety strategy.
Combining legal protections with your Safety Plan, support networks, and community resources creates a more complete shield against ongoing abuse. By securing protection early on, you establish both a paper trail and enforceable boundaries, which can be critical for your and your family’s safety as you work to rebuild your life and reshape your future.
You Are Not Alone
YOUR STORY MATTERS! If you or someone you care about is living with abuse, know that you are not alone – help is available. Deciding to break free from an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, but with the right plan, a strong support system, and legal protections, you can reclaim your life and look forward to your future.
At Melone Hatley, P.C., our compassionate team of family lawyers is here to help you navigate the legal steps needed to protect yourself and your loved ones. Call us at 800-479-8124 or contact us through our website to schedule your FREE, confidential consultation with one of our Client Services Coordinators. Our experienced team is here to help you move toward finding the security and stability you deserve.
About the author:
Michael Gemstone, Esq. is a family law attorney in the Virginia Beach office of Melone Hatley, P.C. A divorced father of two, Michael understands firsthand the challenges families face in times of conflict. With more than a decade of experience in Virginia courts, he combines legal expertise with empathy for his clients to guide and support them through numerous challenging matters, including those involving domestic violence.
Melone Hatley, P.C. is a woman-owned family law and estate planning firm proudly serving clients across Virginia, Florida, South Carolina, and Texas. We are committed to practicing law with both compassion and understanding – providing not just legal guidance but emotional support for families in transition. Our team takes a holistic approach to family law, working to protect the legal rights of clients while honoring the emotional realities behind their cases. Learn more at www.melonehatley.com.
Schedule a call with one of our client services coordinators today.
