Summer break is here, and your kids are overjoyed. No school. Sleeping in. Long days and lots of free time. But if you’re co-parenting, summer may be less about fun and more about conflict, especially when the structure of the school year is gone, and you’re trying to agree on schedules, who takes care of what, and what childcare arrangements you need to juggle. What happens if you and your ex can’t see eye-to-eye on summer plans for your kids?
Co-parenting, at best, can be a challenge. Whether it’s a disagreement over camp schedules, vacation timing, or who will be responsible for covering for childcare while school’s out, tensions can arise, and you can slip into old patterns. Let’s talk about what might be happening, how to keep the peace, and when disagreements like these may require some legal context – and support.
The Summer Shuffle Isn’t a Dance Move
You and your ex were doing just fine with your school-year schedule. You finally established a routine with drop-offs, pickups, homework, dinner, and bedtime. But enter summer, and you’re dealing with a whole new dynamic. And now you find yourself scrambling to fill in the gaps, especially if both of you are working full-time.
You expected to share responsibilities more equally, while your ex assumed you would handle daytime care. You wanted to provide a perfect summer experience for your children after the upheaval of your divorce, but you’re struggling to manage the lack of routine on top of your current work demands. Resentments bristle and patience is at a low. Unfortunately, you and your co-parent aren’t on the same page, and that’s when the conflict starts brewing.
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The Added Stressors of Summer
Summer has a way of taking all the stresses of co-parenting and magnifying them exponentially. Even the most amicable co-parenting relationships can buckle under the weight of summer challenges.
- Summer camps — Camps often come with high price tags, but your ex doesn’t want to foot the bill. Furthermore, you disagree on the type of camp. You’re thinking day camp while your ex is thinking a two-week baseball camp in another state. Or they may not think the kids need any structure at all during the summer.
- Vacation plans – You’ve been planning this beach vacation for months only to find it overlaps with your ex’s vacation plans or the kids’ sleepaway camp schedule.
- Childcare arrangements – You work and there are no affordable summer options in the area. Who will pay for a sitter or daycare option? Who will handle logistics? Will one of you have to adjust your work schedule or arrange to work remotely, and who is that easier for?
- Extended family time – Both sets of grandparents were planning to see the kids over the summer. But your ex’s parents live across the country. How do you balance which family members get to spend time with your kids, and how will they get to their destination?
- Communication breakdowns – It may not be the actual plan that’s the problem but how it is – or isn’t — communicated. A lack of transparency or a surprise last-minute plan can spark instant mistrust during an already stressful time.
Take a Breath
Before tensions rise or assumptions go into full-throttle, take a moment to revisit your parenting roadmap – your parenting agreement or custody order.
Many of your summer related issues may already be outlined in one simple document, such as who gets what weeks of vacation, who is responsible for childcare, where you can travel and how much notice must be given. While it’s easy to forget the details, especially if it was part of a very complex divorce, consulting your parenting agreement should always be your starting point.
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Flexibility and the Bigger Picture
If your parenting agreement is vague on summer, and disagreements arise, it’s easy to dig in your heels, especially after a contentious divorce. But being rigid rarely begets cooperation or serves anyone, least of all your children. A little flexibility can go a long way toward preserving peace and harmony (and sanity).
Consider some self-insight:
- Can you offer a compromise without giving up something essential?
- What are some fair trade-offs you can offer?
- Is there a way to make this work so both of you feel respected and heard?
For example, you could agree to your ex’s vacation schedule if you get additional time later in the summer. If they pay for camp, you could handle transportation or other expenses. Let the kids weigh in. If your kids are older, get their input on how they’d like to spend their summer. It may not look like either of your plans.
This kind of give-and-take helps build trust and cooperation, setting a positive precedent for the future of your co-parenting relationship. And it shows your children that you are capable of working together, which is a life lesson that lasts far longer than summer break.
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What Can You Do When Communication Breaks Down?
Disagreements like these are more than just financial or logistical. They usually resurface old wounds or lingering power struggles. When communication starts to unravel, even small issues can turn into full-blown conflicts.
It’s during these times that you need to remember that cooperative co-parenting is for the benefit of your kids, not who wins or loses the battles. Here are some ways to help you regain some balance.
- Keep the focus on your children. Instead of what is fair for you, shift the perspective to what is best for your children. Ask yourself: Will this plan make my child feel safe, supported, and included? There will be plenty more summers in your future.
- Use a neutral tone. This may be easier said than done after a divorce, but you will be co-parents for a long time. It will behoove both of you to make it easier rather than more difficult. Stick to facts and schedules instead of reacting to emotional triggers. When the conversation isn’t resolving things, agree to revisit it later when you both can calm down and discuss it maturely.
- Write it down. If verbal conversations just aren’t possible, switch to written communications through text messages, emails, or parenting apps. This can help you get some distance from your emotions, stay civil, and track your agreements. Co-parenting tools like OurFamilyWizard and TalkingParents also allow you to share calendars, expenses, and important updates all through the app. These reduce miscommunication and create a digital paper trail.
- Consider mediation. If you’re stuck at a stalemate, a neutral third party like a mediator can help you find some common ground. And mediation can be far less combative (and expensive) than taking your disputes to court.
Remember, how you handle these conversations will set the tone for your children’s post-divorce experience. Kids watch and learn from how you and your co-parent navigate your disagreements.
When to Talk to a Custody Attorney
While you don’t want to run to your lawyer every time you have a disagreement, neither do you want to handle some conflicts on your own without legal guidance. If you’re facing more serious issues, such as your ex violating the parenting plan, they’re making decisions without your input, or you’re worried about your children’s safety, it may be time to speak with a family law attorney.
At Melone Hatley, P.C., we understand that co-parenting can be a minefield when there are unresolved emotions involved. Our experienced custody attorneys work to resolve parenting disputes with compassion and a firm commitment to the child’s best interests. We are here to help you protect what matters most – your children and their well-being. Let’s work together to build a plan that supports your family, this summer and beyond.
Contact us online or call us at (800) 479-8124 to schedule a free consultation with one of our Client Services Coordinators.
Schedule a call with one of our client services coordinators today.
