The holidays should be a time of wonder, not conflict. But when you’re co-parenting after a divorce or separation, those same holidays are usually more stressful than wonderful. Who gets the kids on Christmas morning? How will you split time fairly, so nobody feels hurt? School breaks, family events, travel plans – it’s easy for things to become complicated quickly.
Co-parenting during the holidays can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. With some patience, a little open communication, and a thoughtful plan, you and your co-parent can create a holiday schedule that allows your children to soak up all the magic of the season while giving everyone else a chance to enjoy a little peace along the way.
Start Planning Early
Holiday planning is like wrapping gifts – the earlier you start, the less stressful it is. Don’t wait until the last minute to figure out where the kids will be.
Begin by reviewing your parenting plan. Most agreements already spell out holiday details, including how time is divided, when exchanges occur, and which parent has the children on specific holidays. Refreshing yourself on these provisions provides a clear foundation and prevents misunderstandings before you even begin your discussions.
Once you’re clear on what the plan says, reach out to your co-parent well in advance. Early conversations give you both breathing room to talk through everyone’s plans without pressure.
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Focus on Your Child’s Experience, Not Your Conflict
While it’s tempting to get into disagreements over who gets more time, or the “prime” time, the real goal should be giving your kids a joyful, memorable holiday, especially if it’s the first holiday after a divorce.
What would matter most to them and make things feel more stable? Have they always decorated cookies at Grandma’s or watched the same movies every year together? While these moments may seem small, they provide a sense of continuity that may have been missing lately. And these are the family rituals your children will remember years from now.
Granted, you and your co-parent can’t both be present for every tradition, so you will want to find ways to share the experience, if possible. A quick FaceTime during present opening, texting photos, mailing a special or handmade ornament – these can help your child feel the love from both households. By keeping the focus on their happiness, you can create a holiday for them filled with connection, not conflict.
Be Flexible and Fair
Unfortunately, life doesn’t follow a script, especially during the holidays. Delayed flights. Family illnesses. An unexpected work commitment. Approach all this with as much flexibility as possible. You don’t have to totally abandon the plan, but leave room for Plan B when the unexpected happens. If one parent needs to trade Christmas Eve for Christmas Day, consider making another swap at a later time or create a “makeup” celebration for the kids.
Co-parenting requires give and take. And this cooperation models something powerful for your children. They see that when life throws curveballs, flexibility, kindness, and cooperation can prevail. This is a gift that won’t be found under the tree, but one that will serve them throughout their lives.
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Create New Traditions
Co-parenting during the holidays can be bittersweet, but it also sets the stage to create new traditions.
Your children can help shape these traditions, such as volunteering together, or a Christmas Eve movie marathon and hot cocoa night. Traditions give children something to look forward to and help everyone embrace this new chapter together. These don’t have to be big things. The smallest traditions are often the memories children treasure most.
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Keep Your Communications Positive
Children pick up on tension. Even when you think you’re keeping your emotions steady or discussing things privately, children notice body language, tone, and mood more than we realize.
This is why it’s important to approach every conversation with respect. Instead of framing discussions around what you want or what’s “fair,” stay with what will make the holidays easier and more enjoyable for the kids. This helps keep the dialog centered on your shared goals – your children’s happiness.
If you find you aren’t able to do this yet and old hurts resurface, use tools that create distance while keeping communication clear. Communicating via email, text, or a co-parenting app provides neutral ground while also creating a written record of your agreements, which can be helpful if details are forgotten or miscommunications arise.
Above all, remember that positive communication doesn’t mean disagreements don’t exist. It just means you’re choosing how to respond when differences arise. Communicating with respect and collaboration not only protects your children’s sense of security. It also teaches them how to handle conflict with kindness and grace.
Put Your Agreements in Writing
Even if you and your co-parent have managed to forge a wonderfully cooperative relationship, memories blur and details can be misunderstood, especially during chaotic holiday events and plans. Putting agreements in writing isn’t about mistrust – it’s about clarity and peace of mind.
Whether you formally add agreements to your parenting plan or simply confirm details by email, writing down key points is essential. Who will pick up and drop off? How will you handle emergencies or changes of plans? How will the kids communicate with the other parent? Who will cover what costs? Having a written plan takes the guesswork out of the season so you can be fully present for your children.
Creating a Season of Peace – Not Conflict
The holidays shouldn’t be a battlefield of competition and hurt feelings. Co-parenting during the holidays is about giving your children the comfort of knowing that both of their parents prioritize their happiness above all else. Your kids will remember the warmth of traditions and the love that surrounds them. By planning early, keeping communications respectful, and focusing on your children, you give yourself and your children a priceless gift – a peaceful holiday with the ones who matter most.
Co-parenting is challenging in the best of times. If you need guidance on navigating holiday scheduling concerns or updating your parenting plan, the family law team at Melone Hatley, P.C. is here to help. We can help you focus on making memories instead of managing conflict. Call us at 800-479-8124 or reach out online to schedule a free consultation with one of our Client Services Coordinators.
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