With the first day of school approaching, families across the country are busy with back-to-school chores, buying supplies, and coordinating schedules. But for parents who are separated or divorced, back-to-school time brings its own unique set of challenges. Decisions once made casually around the dinner table now require collaboration between two households. And when communication is already difficult, co-parents often find themselves at odds.
Disagreements are often determined by their own ideas about what is best for their child. One may value academics and structured activities, while the other may be about costs, logistics, and workability within existing parenting arrangements. And when compromise seems elusive, conflict can escalate.
Who Has the Legal Right to Decide?
Resolving disagreements about school enrollment and other important issues hinges on who has the legal authority to make these decisions.
In family law, this authority is typically tied to who has legal custody, rather than physical custody. Legal custody refers to a parent’s right to make major decisions regarding their child’s upbringing, including their education, healthcare, and religious affiliation. When parents share joint legal custody, both must agree on important matters, such as school enrollment or participation in extracurricular activities. If one parent has sole legal custody, that parent can make these decisions for the child without the others’ consent.
In most cases, courts prefer to award joint legal custody, as it allows both parents to remain actively involved in their child’s life and make major decisions for them. This is considered to be in the best interests of the child. In some cases, if there is a significant reason, such as a history of abuse, neglect, or substance use, the court may award sole legal custody to one parent, but this is usually the exception, not the rule.
Consult the Custody Order
If you aren’t sure who has legal custody, you’ll want to review your custody arrangement. It should clearly state whether legal custody is joint or sole, and many even include provisions about education or extracurricular activities.
If the order grants joint legal custody, both parents are legally obligated to make these decisions together. Acting alone, such as enrolling the child in a new school without the other parent’s consent, can be a violation of the custody order and may even have legal consequences.
Schedule your free meeting with our team today to see if our Lawyers can help you.
Common Disagreements and How to Approach Them
While every co-parenting situation is different, with parents having their own unique goals for their children, some issues come up repeatedly with back-to-school decision-making. Understanding common sources of conflict and how to handle them can help you prepare, communicate more effectively, and avoid unnecessary strain on your children.
Choosing a School
Perhaps you want to enroll your child in a private or faith-based school while your co-parent is more concerned with the cost savings of public education. Or it may simply be geographic, where one wants to keep the child in the existing school district.
These choices are never black or white. Educational philosophies, special programs, transportation and logistics, and even the child’s peer groups can all enter into the debate. That’s why it can be helpful to focus on facts instead of emotions.
You and your co-parent can compare
- Academic rankings and performance statistics
- The school environment and culture
- Any special education or gifted programs
- Costs and who will be responsible for paying them
- The commute time and impact on your schedule
If reaching a compromise seems impossible, a neutral third party, such as a mediator or parenting coordinator, can help both of you identify your shared goals to reach a resolution.
Agreeing on Extracurricular Activities
Conflicts over extracurricular activities often arise when one parent enrolls the child in an activity that the other believes is too expensive, time-consuming, or interferes with their parenting time. While soccer practice on a weekday evening might sound fine in theory, when it cuts into the non-custodial parent’s evening, it can become problematic.
Most parents believe that extracurricular activities shape a child’s confidence and their social network. However, it’s important to strike a balance between both parents. If these activities are a source of conflict, consider these approaches:
- Agree to limit the number of activities per school semester
- Choose programs that only fall on the enrolling parent’s custodial time
- Split costs equitably or according to income, if appropriate
- Allow each parent to choose one activity during their parenting time
Some parenting plans already have these provisions, but if yours doesn’t, it may be time to clarify and revise your plan with the help of your attorney.
What If You Can’t Agree?
Even with the best intentions, parents sometimes struggle to find common ground in these matters. If this happens, it may be time to get outside support.
- Mediators are trained professionals who help parents talk through concerns to find a mutually agreeable solution. This is often faster and much less costly than trying to resolve disputes through the court.
- In some jurisdictions, courts sometimes appoint parenting coordinators who have limited authority to resolve parenting conflicts. The parenting coordinator’s role is to reduce friction and promote parental cooperation.
- If all else fails, the court may have to decide the matter, weighing evidence and testimony to determine which outcome is in the child’s best interests. However, judges prefer that parents resolve these matters outside of the courtroom. Filing motions over relatively minor disagreements can backfire if the court perceives one parent as unwilling to cooperate with the other.
When parents can’t reach an agreement despite their best efforts, seeking outside professional help can facilitate a resolution that works for everyone. However, it’s always best to resolve conflicts cooperatively, with your child’s well-being at the center of every decision.
Focusing on the Child’s Best Interests
Whether your disagreement centers around academics or after-school activities, the core decision should be what is best for the child, not just the parent.
Courts, mediators, family law attorneys, parenting coordinators – their guiding principle is what is in the best interests of the child. If you can’t agree, their considerations will be based on
- The child’s academic progress and consistency
- Their emotional and social development
- Stability and predictability of the child’s routine
- Their physical and mental well-being
- The child’s preference, depending on their age and maturity
When co-parents prioritize their child’s needs over their own grievances, it is often easier to collaborate, or at least to respectfully disagree and work toward a resolution.
Click to contact our family lawyers today
Tips for Avoiding Back-to-School Conflicts
Sometimes, disagreements are unavoidable, but many back-to-school conflicts can be prevented before they begin. The key is to anticipate potential issues before they arise and take proactive steps to address them in a way that minimizes stress for both parents and children.
- Start early – Don’t wait until the weekend before school starts to discuss enrollment, supply lists, or extracurricular or after-school sign-ups. Begin these conversations during the summer, giving you both time to express concerns or explore other options.
- Put it in writing – Use clear, written communication to convey your point instead of veering into emotional topics. Using text messages, emails, or co-parenting apps can allow you to keep your discussions focused and documented. If disputes do escalate, these written records can be especially helpful.
- Keep your children out of your conflict – While older children will have preferences about schools or activities, they should never be put in the position of choosing sides or carrying messages between parents. Shielding your children from your disputes supports their emotional well-being and allows them to focus on what really matters – learning and enjoying the school year.
- If necessary, work with professionals – Dispute resolution is what these people are trained to do. When communication with your co-parent has broken down, professionals offer neutral guidance to keep conversations on track. Furthermore, your family law attorney can update your parenting agreement to include clear language regarding how educational decisions will be made, how costs will be shared, and how parents will coordinate activity logistics.
By approaching the school year with a spirit of cooperation and a shared focus on your child, many conflicts can be resolved with minimal disruptions or avoided entirely.
Schedule a call with one of our client services coordinators today
Getting Legal Guidance
Navigating back-to-school decisions as co-parents can be challenging, especially if your communication is already strained or your custody arrangements are unclear.
At Melone Hatley, P.C., our experienced family law attorneys are here to support you with compassionate, practical advice tailored to your family’s unique needs. Call us at 800-479-8124 today for a free consultation with one of our Client Services Coordinators.
Schedule a call with one of our client services coordinators today.
